Lucky, this point in time and space

So right now it's 12:44 a.m. and my downstairs neighbors decided it was a great time to blast music. They do this periodically, usually late at night when I'm tired. Last time I went down and knocked on their door until they got scared and turned it off, but that was 2 am on a Thursday. Since it's a Saturday night I'll let them have their fun for a bit. I have too much on my mind right now to sleep anyway.

Today I officially, finally, completely finished all of my graduate school applications. Eighteen of them. The first one was submitted on October 21st. I feel liberated, but also very strange.

Really, I've been working towards this for the last three and a half years. For the last year in particular, I've been extremely focused on getting into a fully funded MFA program. It's strange to think that I'm so close to the moment when it may actually become a reality.

I don't know what I'll do if I don't get accepted anywhere. Unfortunately, with MFA acceptance rates, that's a possibility even if I applied to 30 programs. When I think about my writing, I feel (mostly) good. I feel like I sent in strong samples. I feel like my personal and artistic goals were outlined well, better than the last time I tried this. My grades and test scores and recommendation letters are all great.

But then I start thinking about the numbers. Iowa, for instance, got 1,530 applications last year for 47 spots. North Carolina State had 235 applicants for 8 spots. Miami had 90 for 6 spots. It's absurdly competitive, and unfortunately, it's also absurdly subjective. I know that rejection doesn't mean my writing is bad, it just means that the adcoms didn't see whatever they want to see when they look for students. But it's hard not to feel like a failure if you don't get in anywhere. If I get rejected from 18 schools, or if I get some waitlists that don't pan out, it's going to take me awhile to pick myself up off the floor.


About two weeks from now, the first schools will start contacting the students they want to accept, and the decisions will keep rolling in steadily until mid-April. I think I'm going to be kind of a wreck the whole time. Right now, these programs are all I can think about. I feel like Cartman in the episode of South Park where he tries to put himself into a coma until the Nintendo Wii comes out. I just don't want to wait. I want to wake up and find out where I'm going. I'm even having dreams about MFA acceptances.

Luckily, other things are coming up soon that may help distract me. In early February I'm going to Tennessee with my mom to work on wedding planning, and at the end of February I'm attending the annual AWP conference and bookfair here in Chicago, my very first time at this big event. I've got a new project I'm working on, and I've got lots of good books to read.

Still...it's going to be a long wait. Especially if my neighbors keep blasting their damn bass.